“I have never quite felt at rest, never quite still, never quite at peace, never quite fully present at any given time. I was slightly behind, living in the past, and slightly ahead, trying to figure out what was around the bend trying to solve the problems that were yet to come. I was on the run.

At times, when I slowed down just a bit, I felt apprehensive, on edge. Something might catch me. Or maybe, I might catch up with myself. I might fully show up at any given moment and have to face what was really there in my life. That was the scariest possibility of all. So, I stayed on the go for as long as humanly possible. I worked. I micro managed. I made everyone happy. I kept all eyes from noticing the full, real me, especially my own. I didn’t think I could bear seeing that.

Over time, life wore me down and I couldn’t run any longer. All of the past, present and future came crashing in. It was unmanageable. So, I did the one thing that I knew in the back of my mind I would always have to do when this time came: I went to Elijah House in 2014. When I was honest with myself, which was rare, I knew it would take a breakdown, or as I now call it, an awakening to be myself again.

After several productive sessions with Jeff Crum during my first two days at Elijah House in 2014, there was a day that I’ll never forget. It was really a pivotal point in my life. I entered one way and left another. I was never the same again. I was given a chance to be who God created me to be.

It is now 2018 and I am 42 years old. I have had four clear, present, fully engaged years of life now. My family and friends and I lovingly refer to this amazing transformation I went through as “the summer of 2014”. Prior to then it was as if I was in sleepy state all of the time. In addition, I had several periods of time as a child and a few as an adult of dissociation. Now, I feel completely awake and I’m able to utilize the full capacity of my mind. I’m alive! 

Sometimes this aliveness is hard and painful. I feel things that are negative in a way that I didn’t before. I used to go numb, but I can now endure these hard times because they carry with them such hope. I know that I will move through the experiences rather than just shut down. So, difficulties are gifts to me, ways to grow.
Best of all, I have a deep down assurance of being fully loved and never alone. These two things haunted me for most of my life, primarily because I was not able to love myself or be with myself. I was a mess inside while hiding under a perfect mask of performance. Once God showed me my brokenness and loved me right then and there in that place, it changed the way I saw myself. Receiving His complete acceptance in a way that was not based on anything that I had done and could ever do, changed my mind. I have not felt alone, unloved or afraid since!”

UPDATE FROM JOY, 2018:

“I am 42 years old and I have had four clear, present, fully engaged years of life now. My family and friends and I lovingly refer to this amazing transformation I went through as “the summer of 2014”. Prior to then it was as if I was in sleepy state all of the time. In addition, I had several periods of time as a child and a few as an adult of dissociation. Now, I feel completely awake and I’m able to utilize the full capacity of my mind. I’m alive!

Sometimes this aliveness is hard and painful. I feel things that are negative in a way that I didn’t before. I used to go numb, but I can now endure these hard times because they carry with them such hope. I know that I will move through the experiences rather than just shut down. So, difficulties are gifts to me, ways to grow.

Best of all, I have a deep down assurance of being fully loved and never alone. These two things haunted me for most of my life, primarily because I was not able to love myself or be with myself. I was a mess inside while hiding under a perfect mask of performance. Once God showed me my brokenness and loved me right then and there in that place, it changed the way I saw myself. Receiving His complete acceptance in a way that was not based on anything that I had done and could ever do, changed my mind. I have not felt alone, unloved or afraid since!”

~ Joy – United States